PIE $25‍ SLICE $4.50

Our Baseline Classic Cheese begins in our sterile preparation facility where certified dough technicians perform an initial 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in temperature-controlled isolation chambers (refrigerators). Once the gluten matrix has achieved optimal elasticity coefficients, the dough undergoes manual expansion therapy using proprietary hand-stretching techniques designed to preserve structural integrity while maximizing surface area.

Our technicians perform a garlic-butter infusion procedure along the crust perimeter using sterile application brushes.The substrate is then treated with our Level 4 Biohazard Sauce - a tomato-based compound developed in collaboration with state of the art medical researchers. We apply a precisely measured layer of Grande mozzarella (molecular weight: delicious), ensuring even distribution across all quadrants.

The assembly then enters our electron-fired thermal acceleration chamber where temperatures reaching 675°F trigger the Maillard reaction cascade, resulting in optimal browning and flavor compound synthesis. 

Patients may select from two preparation methods: Traditional New York Style (thin, hand-tossed) or Deep Dish Style (thick, pan-based). Both undergo identical thermal protocols with adjusted timing for optimal substrate thickness.

Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Recovery time: however long it takes you to devour it.

PIE $28‍ ‍SLICE $5.50

Pulse Pepperoni follows the same foundational protocol as our White Coat Classic, with the addition of Advanced Pepperoni Placement Therapy (APPT).

Our certified meat application specialists distribute premium pepperoni discs across the cheese substrate using a technique known as 'generous coverage.’ 

Each pepperoni slice is strategically positioned to ensure maximum cupping potential during the thermal acceleration phase. As internal chamber temperatures exceed 675°F, the pepperoni undergoes what we call Controlled Cupping Phenomenon (CCP), where the edges crisp and curl upward, creating small flavor reservoirs filled with rendered oils and concentrated umami compounds. This is not a defect - this is advanced pizza science.

Available in New York Style (thin, crispy base) or Deep Dish Style (thick, hearty base). Both preparation methods ensure optimal CCP execution.

The result? A pie containing a micro-dose of pure satisfaction. Side effects may include increased heart rate, spontaneous drooling, and the immediate desire for another slice.

PIE $34‍ ‍SLICE $6.50

The Protein Protocol represents our most aggressive nutritional intervention and should only be administered to patients with serious carnivorous tendencies.

Following baseline preparation, we initiate Triple Meat Integration Therapy (TMIT):

• Phase 1 - Pepperoni Application: See Pulse Pepperoni procedure above

• Phase 2 - Canadian Bacon Deployment: Thin-sliced porcine protein strategically layered for savory depth

• Phase 3 - Italian Sausage Distribution: Fennel-enhanced ground meat applied in therapeutic doses

The combined protein load creates what's known in the medical community as 'Meat Synergy' - a condition where three different proteins work together to produce flavor greater than the sum of their parts. This is peer-reviewed science. We checked.

Upon entering the electron-fired chamber, all three proteins undergo simultaneous Maillard reactions, releasing aromatic compounds that have been known to cause temporary euphoria in 87% of test subjects. The remaining 13% were vegetarians who shouldn't have been in the study anyway.

Available in New York Style or Deep Dish Style to accommodate varying protein density preferences.

Contraindications: None. Eat this pizza.

PIE $29‍ ‍SLICE $5.75

The Tropical Transfusion remains our most controversial procedure, with approximately 50% of the medical community claiming it violates the Hippocratic Oath. We respectfully disagree.

This procedure introduces Pineapple Integration Therapy (PIT) - the controlled application of tropical fruit to a traditional Italian substrate. Critics argue this creates an unstable sweet-savory matrix. Our research indicates they're just wrong.

Following standard preparation protocols, our technicians perform Strategic Pineapple Placement alongside Canadian Bacon Distribution, creating alternating zones of sweet and savory compounds across the cheese layer. 

When subjected to high-heat thermal acceleration, the pineapple undergoes caramelization while the Canadian bacon crisps, resulting in what food scientists call 'Flavor Contrast Achievement.'

Clinical trials show that patients who claim to hate pineapple on pizza have a 78% conversion rate after one bite. The other 22% are either lying or have damaged taste receptors and should seek medical attention.

Available in New York Style or Deep Dish Style. Both preparation methods achieve optimal sweet-savory equilibrium.

This procedure is FDA-approved in our hearts.

PIE $29‍ ‍SLICE $5.50‍ ‍

The Vital Veggie represents our plant-based intervention for patients seeking nutritionally tasty alternatives. 

This procedure introduces Multi-Vegetable Integration Therapy (MVIT), featuring:

• Mushrooms (Agaricus bisporus): Applied in medically significant quantities

• Bell Peppers (Capsicum annuum): Julienned to specifications

• Onions (Allium cepa): Strategically distributed for aromatic enhancement

All vegetables undergo Pre-Treatment Preparation involving washing and cutting.

During thermal acceleration, vegetables release natural sugars that caramelize on the surface, creating depth of flavor previously thought impossible in plant matter. The result is a pizza that makes you forget you're eating vegetables, which is the entire point.

Available in New York Style or Deep Dish Style for varied vegetable delivery systems.

Does it count as your daily vegetable serving? We're not nutritionists, but we're going to say yes.