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ALL PIZZAS ARE AVAILABLE IN EITHER ‘HAND-STRETCHED THIN: NEW YORK’ OR ‘PAN-BAKED THICK CRUST: THE SLAB.’ NEW YORK STYLE PIZZAS ARE 18” PIES CLINICALLY TREATED WITH OUR VITALIZING HOUSEMADE RED SAUCE AND GARLIC-BUTTER-ACTIVATED CRUST. PAN-BAKED PIZZAS ARE 18×13” PIES SURGICALLY PREPPED WITH RED SAUCE AND CUT INTO GENEROUS SLICES. CLICK BELOW TO EXAMINE THE PRECISE, COMPREHENSIVE PROCEDURES EACH PIZZA UNDERGOES TO ACHIEVE HOMEOSTASIS AND MAXIMAL DOPAMINE-INDUCING FLAVOR.
PRIMARY PIZZAS
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PIE $27 SLICE $5
Our Baseline Classic Cheese begins in our sterile preparation facility where certified dough technicians perform an initial 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in temperature-controlled isolation chambers (refrigerators). Once the gluten matrix has achieved optimal elasticity coefficients, the dough undergoes manual expansion therapy using proprietary hand-stretching techniques designed to preserve structural integrity while maximizing surface area.
Our technicians perform a garlic-butter infusion procedure along the crust perimeter using sterile application brushes.The substrate is then treated with our Level 4 Biohazard Sauce - a tomato-based compound developed in collaboration with state of the art medical researchers. We apply a precisely measured layer of Grande mozzarella (molecular weight: delicious), ensuring even distribution across all quadrants.
The assembly then enters our electron-fired thermal acceleration chamber where temperatures reaching 675°F trigger the Maillard reaction cascade, resulting in optimal browning and flavor compound synthesis.
Patients may select from two preparation methods: Traditional New York Style (thin, hand-tossed) or Pan-Baked (thick, pan-based). Both undergo identical thermal protocols with adjusted timing for optimal substrate thickness.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Recovery time: however long it takes you to devour it.
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PIE $30 SLICE $6
Pulse Pepperoni follows the same foundational protocol as our White Coat Classic, with the addition of Advanced Pepperoni Placement Therapy (APPT).
Our certified meat application specialists distribute premium pepperoni discs across the cheese substrate using a technique known as 'generous coverage.’
Each pepperoni slice is strategically positioned to ensure maximum cupping potential during the thermal acceleration phase. As internal chamber temperatures exceed 675°F, the pepperoni undergoes what we call Controlled Cupping Phenomenon (CCP), where the edges crisp and curl upward, creating small flavor reservoirs filled with rendered oils and concentrated umami compounds. This is not a defect - this is advanced pizza science.
Available in New York Style (thin, crispy base) or Pan-Baked Style (thick, hearty base). Both preparation methods ensure optimal CCP execution.
The result? A pie containing a micro-dose of pure satisfaction. Side effects may include increased heart rate, spontaneous drooling, and the immediate desire for another slice.
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PIE $36 SLICE $7
The Protein Protocol represents our most aggressive nutritional intervention and should only be administered to patients with serious carnivorous tendencies.
Following baseline preparation, we initiate Triple Meat Integration Therapy (TMIT):
Phase 1 - Pepperoni Application: See Pulse Pepperoni procedure above
Phase 2 - Canadian Bacon Deployment: Thin-sliced porcine protein strategically layered for savory depth
Phase 3 - Italian Sausage Distribution: Fennel-enhanced ground meat applied in therapeutic doses
The combined protein load creates what's known in the medical community as 'Meat Synergy' - a condition where three different proteins work together to produce flavor greater than the sum of their parts. This is peer-reviewed science. We checked.
Upon entering the electron-fired chamber, all three proteins undergo simultaneous Maillard reactions, releasing aromatic compounds that have been known to cause temporary euphoria in 87% of test subjects. The remaining 13% were vegetarians who shouldn't have been in the study anyway.
Available in New York Style or Pan-Baked Style to accommodate varying protein density preferences.
Contraindications: None. Eat this pizza.
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PIE $31 SLICE $6
The Tropical Transfusion remains our most controversial procedure, with approximately 50% of the medical community claiming it violates the Hippocratic Oath. We respectfully disagree.
This procedure introduces Pineapple Integration Therapy (PIT) - the controlled application of tropical fruit to a traditional Italian substrate. Critics argue this creates an unstable sweet-savory matrix. Our research indicates they're just wrong.
Following standard preparation protocols, our technicians perform Strategic Pineapple Placement alongside Canadian Bacon Distribution, creating alternating zones of sweet and savory compounds across the cheese layer.
When subjected to high-heat thermal acceleration, the pineapple undergoes caramelization while the Canadian bacon crisps, resulting in what food scientists call 'Flavor Contrast Achievement.'
Clinical trials show that patients who claim to hate pineapple on pizza have a 78% conversion rate after one bite. The other 22% are either lying or have damaged taste receptors and should seek medical attention.
Available in New York Style or Pan-Baked Style. Both preparation methods achieve optimal sweet-savory equilibrium.
This procedure is FDA-approved in our hearts.
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PIE $31 SLICE $6
The Vital Veggie represents our plant-based intervention for patients seeking nutritionally tasty alternatives.
This procedure introduces Multi-Vegetable Integration Therapy (MVIT), featuring:
Mushrooms (Agaricus bisporus): Applied in medically significant quantities
Bell Peppers (Capsicum annuum): Julienned to specifications
Onions (Allium cepa): Strategically distributed for aromatic enhancement
All vegetables undergo Pre-Treatment Preparation involving washing and cutting.
During thermal acceleration, vegetables release natural sugars that caramelize on the surface, creating depth of flavor previously thought impossible in plant matter. The result is a pizza that makes you forget you're eating vegetables, which is the entire point.
Available in New York Style or Pan-Baked Style for varied vegetable delivery systems.
Does it count as your daily vegetable serving? We're not nutritionists, but we're going to say yes.
ADDITIONAL ORDERS
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PIE starting at $27
Veggie toppings 1.00 each.Meat toppings 3.00 each.
SLICE starting at $5
Veggie toppings 0.25 each.Meat toppings 1.00 each.
TOPPINGS: Pepperoni, Italian Sausage, Canadian Bacon, Mushrooms, Bell Peppers, Onions, Black Olives, Pineapple
Doctor's Orders represents our Personalized Medicine Approach to pizza therapy.
Rather than following standardized protocols, this procedure allows patients to self-diagnose and prescribe their own topping combination from our approved formulary:
Available Compounds:
Pepperoni (see APPT above)
Italian Sausage (fennel-enhanced)
Canadian Bacon (savory porcine)
Mushrooms (umami enhancement)
Bell Peppers (vitamin C delivery)
Onions (aromatic therapy)
Pineapple (controversial but effective)
Black Olives (optional brininess)
Patients select any compounds and choose their preferred substrate delivery method: New York Style (thin, crispy) or Pan-Baked Style (thick, substantial). Our technicians then execute the Custom Integration Protocol (CIP), applying toppings according to your specifications.
This is participatory medicine at its finest. We provide the expertise, you provide the vision. Together we create pizza.
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TWO SLICES + A DRINK $10
TOPPINGS: Pepperoni, Italian Sausage, Canadian Bacon, Mushrooms, Bell Peppers, Onions, Black Olives, Pineapple
The Slice of Life represents our Comparative Treatment Protocol, a clinical trial designed to help patients determine their optimal pizza therapy.
This procedure includes: Two (2) pizza slices in your choice of New York Style or Pan-Baked Style (can mix both styles), Two (2) topping selections total distributed across both slices, One (1) beverage of choice (hydration supplementation).
Available Compounds:
Pepperoni (see APPT above)
Italian Sausage (fennel-enhanced)
Canadian Bacon (savory porcine)
Mushrooms (umami enhancement)
Bell Peppers (vitamin C delivery)
Onions (aromatic therapy)
Pineapple (controversial but effective)
Black Olives (optional brininess)
Think of it as a Double-Blind Pizza Study, except you're fully aware of what you're eating and we strongly encourage bias toward both options. Select two NY slices, two Deep Dish slices, or one of each to perform your own Taste Differential Analysis.
By consuming both specimens in sequence, patients can perform their own Taste Differential Analysis and determine which style triggers maximum dopamine release in their neural reward pathways.
In layman's terms: try different styles and toppings, figure out what you love, then come back and order a whole pie of that.
This is participatory medicine. This is informed consent. This is lunch.
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PIE $25 SLICE $3
WARNING: This item presents with three concurrent sweet conditions on a single dough substrate. Patients with low tolerance for joy should be triaged elsewhere.
Our S'more-Bidity is a polysweet dessert pie engineered through a two-stage thermal protocol. The crust is partially cooked first, then dressed and finished. This sequence is non-negotiable. A raw base beneath the topping load that follows would buckle, weep, and yield a sodden dessert. We will not be party to that.
The Procedure:
Phase 1: Substrate Pre-Conditioning Our standard house dough (cold-fermented, hand-stretched, the same engineering deployed in our savory pies) is committed to a partial bake. The crust sets, develops preliminary structure, and establishes a stable platform without reaching full color. It exits the oven half-finished, on purpose.
Phase 2: Stratified Topical Deployment The par-baked shell is dressed in a heavy stratum of hazelnut-cocoa cream. Marshmallows are arrayed across the surface in a complete dorsal blanket. Fractured graham cracker fragments are then strewn across the top, settling into the marshmallow gaps and bonding to the hazelnut substrate below. No exposed crust. No half measures.
Phase 3: Controlled Finish Bake The fully assembled pie returns to the deck. Three transformations occur in parallel: marshmallows undergo surface pyrolysis, blistering into a golden crown over a molten interior. The hazelnut stratum beneath warms and loosens into a runny exudate. Graham fragments toast in place, deepening in flavor and acquiring the characteristic snap that distinguishes a properly heated graham cracker from one merely scattered cold. All three toppings converge on a fully cooked crust simultaneously.
Sliced and served warm. Consumed with hands or fork depending on patient dexterity and pride.
Clinical Trial Results: 100% of subjects requested an additional slice. A statistically significant subset requested it before completing the first.
If symptoms manifest (sticky fingers, mild euphoria, residual chocolate near the mouth), this is the intended therapeutic response.
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$3 EACH
WARNING: May induce paroxysmal grinning, compulsive resupply requests, and the misguided conviction that one cookie was sufficient.
Our Chocolate Crash Cart Cookies are produced under a protocol that prioritizes moisture retention, fat integrity, and chocolate variability over the convenience of standardization. We could cut corners. We don't.
The Procedure:
Phase 1: Controlled Lipid Liquefaction Butter is rendered to a liquid state at the lowest available heat. No sizzle, no crackle, no boil. The lipid simply oozes into solution. This sub-boil melt preserves the water content (which would otherwise vaporize under aggressive heating and leave the cookie arid). The molten butter is then married to brown and white sugars, eggs, and vanilla, with a calibrated saline component (salt).
Phase 2: Thermal Acceleration with Premature Extraction Portioned dough is subjected to 360°F for 10 to 12 minutes. Cookies are extracted at the precise moment tops crack and edges turn lightly golden while centers remain visibly underset. They finish coagulating during a mandatory 2-minute convalescence on the hot pan before transfer to a wire rack. A finishing application of sea salt is administered while the surface is still tacky.
Contraindications: May produce chocolate residue on fingers, crumb dispersal across upholstery, and an inability to halt at one. If cookie cravings persist, return to Flatline Pizza for additional treatment.
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SPECIALTY INFUSION
1 bottle $2.50
Lime, Mandarin, Guava, Pineapple
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![A cheese pizza with a golden crust, sliced into eight pieces, on a wooden pizza peel against a black background.]()
BASELINE CLASSIC CHEESE
NEW YORK STYLE
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![Pepperoni pizza on a wooden paddle against a black background.]()
PULSE PEPPERONI
NEW YORK STYLE
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![Whole pepperoni pizza with sausage topping on a wooden pizza board.]()
PROTEIN PROTOCOL
NEW YORK STYLE
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![Pizza with pepperoni and pineapple slices on a wooden serving board against a black background.]()
TROPICAL TRANSFUSION
NEW YORK STYLE
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![Pizza with mushrooms, black olives, green bell peppers, and red onions on a wooden serving board.]()
VITAL VEGGIE
NEW YORK STYLE
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![Sliced cheese pizza with pepperoni and cheese on a wooden pizza paddle.]()
BASLINE CLASSIC CHEESE
PAN-BAKED STYLE
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![Pizza with pepperoni slices on a wooden paddle against a black background.]()
PULSE PEPPERONI
PAN-BAKED STYLE
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![Slices of pepperoni pizza with small meat toppings on a wooden paddle.]()
PROTEIN PROTOCOL
PAN-BAKED STYLE
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![Sliced pizza with pepperoni and pineapple pieces on a wooden serving board.]()
TROPICAL TRANSFUSION
PAN-BAKED STYLE
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![Slice of vegetable pizza with mushrooms, black olives, green peppers, and onions on a wooden cutting board.]()
VITAL VEGGIE
PAN-BAKED STYLE
