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ALL PIZZAS ARE AVAILABLE IN ‘HAND-STRETCHED THIN: NEW YORK.’ NEW YORK STYLE PIZZAS ARE 18” PIES CLINICALLY TREATED WITH OUR VITALIZING HOUSEMADE RED SAUCE AND GARLIC-BUTTER-ACTIVATED CRUST. CLICK BELOW TO EXAMINE THE PRECISE, COMPREHENSIVE PROCEDURES EACH PIZZA UNDERGOES TO ACHIEVE HOMEOSTASIS AND MAXIMAL DOPAMINE-INDUCING FLAVOR.

PRIMARY PIZZAS

  • PIE $27‍ SLICE $5

    Our Baseline Classic Cheese begins in our sterile preparation facility where certified dough technicians perform an initial 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in temperature-controlled isolation chambers (refrigerators). Once the gluten matrix has achieved optimal elasticity coefficients, the dough undergoes manual expansion therapy using proprietary hand-stretching techniques designed to preserve structural integrity while maximizing surface area.

    Our technicians perform a garlic-butter infusion procedure along the crust perimeter using sterile application brushes.The substrate is then treated with our Level 4 Biohazard Sauce - a tomato-based compound developed in collaboration with state of the art medical researchers. We apply a precisely measured layer of Grande mozzarella (molecular weight: delicious), ensuring even distribution across all quadrants.

    The assembly then enters our electron-fired thermal acceleration chamber where temperatures reaching 675°F trigger the Maillard reaction cascade, resulting in optimal browning and flavor compound synthesis. 

    Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Recovery time: however long it takes you to devour it.

  • PIE $30 ‍SLICE $6

    Pulse Pepperoni follows the same foundational protocol as our White Coat Classic, with the addition of Advanced Pepperoni Placement Therapy (APPT).

    Our certified meat application specialists distribute premium pepperoni discs across the cheese substrate using a technique known as 'generous coverage.’ 

    Each pepperoni slice is strategically positioned to ensure maximum cupping potential during the thermal acceleration phase. As internal chamber temperatures exceed 675°F, the pepperoni undergoes what we call Controlled Cupping Phenomenon (CCP), where the edges crisp and curl upward, creating small flavor reservoirs filled with rendered oils and concentrated umami compounds. This is not a defect - this is advanced pizza science.

    Available in New York Style (thin, crispy base) or Pan-Baked Style (thick, hearty base). Both preparation methods ensure optimal CCP execution.

    The result? A pie containing a micro-dose of pure satisfaction. Side effects may include increased heart rate, spontaneous drooling, and the immediate desire for another slice.

  • PIE $36‍ ‍SLICE $7

    The Protein Protocol represents our most aggressive nutritional intervention and should only be administered to patients with serious carnivorous tendencies.

    Following baseline preparation, we initiate Triple Meat Integration Therapy (TMIT):

    • Phase 1 - Pepperoni Application: See Pulse Pepperoni procedure above

    • Phase 2 - Canadian Bacon Deployment: Thin-sliced porcine protein strategically layered for savory depth

    • Phase 3 - Italian Sausage Distribution: Fennel-enhanced ground meat applied in therapeutic doses

    The combined protein load creates what's known in the medical community as 'Meat Synergy' - a condition where three different proteins work together to produce flavor greater than the sum of their parts. This is peer-reviewed science. We checked.

    Upon entering the electron-fired chamber, all three proteins undergo simultaneous Maillard reactions, releasing aromatic compounds that have been known to cause temporary euphoria in 87% of test subjects. The remaining 13% were vegetarians who shouldn't have been in the study anyway.

    Available in New York Style or Pan-Baked Style to accommodate varying protein density preferences.

    Contraindications: None. Eat this pizza.

  • PIE $31‍ ‍SLICE $6

    The Tropical Transfusion remains our most controversial procedure, with approximately 50% of the medical community claiming it violates the Hippocratic Oath. We respectfully disagree.

    This procedure introduces Pineapple Integration Therapy (PIT) - the controlled application of tropical fruit to a traditional Italian substrate. Critics argue this creates an unstable sweet-savory matrix. Our research indicates they're just wrong.

    Following standard preparation protocols, our technicians perform Strategic Pineapple Placement alongside Canadian Bacon Distribution, creating alternating zones of sweet and savory compounds across the cheese layer. 

    When subjected to high-heat thermal acceleration, the pineapple undergoes caramelization while the Canadian bacon crisps, resulting in what food scientists call 'Flavor Contrast Achievement.'

    Clinical trials show that patients who claim to hate pineapple on pizza have a 78% conversion rate after one bite. The other 22% are either lying or have damaged taste receptors and should seek medical attention.

    Available in New York Style or Pan-Baked Style. Both preparation methods achieve optimal sweet-savory equilibrium.

    This procedure is FDA-approved in our hearts.

  • PIE $31‍ ‍SLICE $6‍ ‍

    The Vegetative State represents our plant-based intervention for patients seeking nutritionally tasty alternatives. 

    This procedure introduces Multi-Vegetable Integration Therapy (MVIT), featuring:

    • Mushrooms (Agaricus bisporus): Applied in medically significant quantities

    • Bell Peppers (Capsicum annuum): Julienned to specifications

    • Onions (Allium cepa): Strategically distributed for aromatic enhancement

    All vegetables undergo Pre-Treatment Preparation involving washing and cutting.

    During thermal acceleration, vegetables release natural sugars that caramelize on the surface, creating depth of flavor previously thought impossible in plant matter. The result is a pizza that makes you forget you're eating vegetables, which is the entire point.

    Available in New York Style or Pan-Baked Style for varied vegetable delivery systems.

    Does it count as your daily vegetable serving? We're not nutritionists, but we're going to say yes.

  • PIE $30‍ ‍SLICE $6

    The Heartburn is our controlled-inflammation protocol, indicated for patients who report that standard pepperoni is no longer producing a response. This procedure combines Capsaicin Delivery with full Pepperoni Saturation, featuring:

    • Pepperoni (cured, sliced): Applied edge to edge at therapeutic density

    • Jalapeños (Capsicum annuum var. annuum): Distributed across the entire treatment field

    • Mozzarella: Administered underneath as a buffering agent

    Jalapeños undergo Pre-Treatment Preparation involving washing and slicing to uniform cross-section, ensuring even capsaicin dispersal and eliminating unmedicated slices.

    During thermal acceleration, the pepperoni renders and its fat binds to the capsaicin, moderating the burn while carrying it further across the palate. The pepper edges char and sweeten. The result is enough heat to register, not enough to end the meal — a controlled reaction rather than an adverse event.

    Symptoms typically resolve within the hour. Water is available at the register.

    Side effects may include ordering it again.

ADDITIONAL ORDERS

  • PIE starting at $27
    Veggie toppings 1.00 each.

    Meat toppings 3.00 each.

    SLICE starting at $5
    Veggie toppings 0.25 each.

    Meat toppings 1.00 each.

    TOPPINGS: Pepperoni, Italian Sausage, Canadian Bacon, Mushrooms, Bell Peppers, Onions, Black Olives, Pineapple

    Doctor's Orders represents our Personalized Medicine Approach to pizza therapy.

    Rather than following standardized protocols, this procedure allows patients to self-diagnose and prescribe their own topping combination from our approved formulary:

    Available Compounds:

    • Pepperoni (see APPT above)

    • Italian Sausage (fennel-enhanced)

    • Canadian Bacon (savory porcine)

    • Mushrooms (umami enhancement)

    • Bell Peppers (vitamin C delivery)

    • Onions (aromatic therapy)

    • Pineapple (controversial but effective)

    • Black Olives (optional brininess)

    Patients select any compounds and choose their preferred substrate delivery method: New York Style (thin, crispy) or Pan-Baked Style (thick, substantial). Our technicians then execute the Custom Integration Protocol (CIP), applying toppings according to your specifications.

    This is participatory medicine at its finest. We provide the expertise, you provide the vision. Together we create pizza.

  • TWO SLICES + A DRINK $10

    TOPPINGS: Pepperoni, Italian Sausage, Canadian Bacon, Mushrooms, Bell Peppers, Onions, Black Olives, Pineapple

    The Slice of Life represents our Comparative Treatment Protocol, a clinical trial designed to help patients determine their optimal pizza therapy.

    This procedure includes: Two (2) pizza slices in your choice of New York Style or Pan-Baked Style (can mix both styles), Two (2) topping selections total distributed across both slices, One (1) beverage of choice (hydration supplementation).

    Available Compounds:

    • Pepperoni (see APPT above)

    • Italian Sausage (fennel-enhanced)

    • Canadian Bacon (savory porcine)

    • Mushrooms (umami enhancement)

    • Bell Peppers (vitamin C delivery)

    • Onions (aromatic therapy)

    • Pineapple (controversial but effective)

    • Black Olives (optional brininess)

    Think of it as a Double-Blind Pizza Study, except you're fully aware of what you're eating and we strongly encourage bias toward both options. Select two NY slices, two Deep Dish slices, or one of each to perform your own Taste Differential Analysis.

    By consuming both specimens in sequence, patients can perform their own Taste Differential Analysis and determine which style triggers maximum dopamine release in their neural reward pathways.

    In layman's terms: try different styles and toppings, figure out what you love, then come back and order a whole pie of that.

    This is participatory medicine. This is informed consent. This is lunch.

  • $4 PER BATCH

    WARNING: This item presents with three concurrent sweet conditions on a single dough substrate. Patients with low tolerance for joy should be triaged elsewhere.

    Our S'more-Bidity is a polysweet dessert pie engineered through a two-stage thermal protocol. The crust is partially cooked first, then dressed and finished. This sequence is non-negotiable. A raw base beneath the topping load that follows would buckle, weep, and yield a sodden dessert. We will not be party to that.

    The Procedure:

    Phase 1: Substrate Pre-Conditioning Our standard house dough (cold-fermented, hand-stretched, the same engineering deployed in our savory pies) is committed to a partial bake. The crust sets, develops preliminary structure, and establishes a stable platform without reaching full color. It exits the oven half-finished, on purpose.

    Phase 2: Stratified Topical Deployment The par-baked shell is dressed in a heavy stratum of hazelnut-cocoa cream. Marshmallows are arrayed across the surface in a complete dorsal blanket. Fractured graham cracker fragments are then strewn across the top, settling into the marshmallow gaps and bonding to the hazelnut substrate below. No exposed crust. No half measures.

    Phase 3: Controlled Finish Bake The fully assembled pie returns to the deck. Three transformations occur in parallel: marshmallows undergo surface pyrolysis, blistering into a golden crown over a molten interior. The hazelnut stratum beneath warms and loosens into a runny exudate. Graham fragments toast in place, deepening in flavor and acquiring the characteristic snap that distinguishes a properly heated graham cracker from one merely scattered cold. All three toppings converge on a fully cooked crust simultaneously.

    Sliced and served warm. Consumed with hands or fork depending on patient dexterity and pride.

    Clinical Trial Results: 100% of subjects requested an additional slice. A statistically significant subset requested it before completing the first.

    If symptoms manifest (sticky fingers, mild euphoria, residual chocolate near the mouth), this is the intended therapeutic response.

  • $3 EACH

    Four breadsticks, hand-made in-house from a dedicated enriched formula developed specifically for this purpose — no shortcuts, no borrowed pizza dough, no frozen inputs. The base is bread flour hydrated to 65% with whole milk rather than water, because milk fat and milk sugars soften the crumb and drive browning in a way plain water simply cannot. Into that goes butter at 6% of flour weight to coat the gluten strands and tenderize the interior, sugar at 4% to feed the yeast and deepen the crust color, and salt at 2% for structure and seasoning. Yeast is dialed down to 0.4% — deliberately underdosed — so the dough can undergo a slow, cold, controlled fermentation in refrigeration for twelve to forty-eight hours. That extended cold rest is where the flavor is actually built. It cannot be rushed, and we do not rush it.

    The following morning the dough is brought back up to temperature, sheeted by hand to a uniform half-inch, and cut into individual strips with a blade rather than rolled or extruded, which is the only way to get even thickness end to end instead of the tapered, pinched ends you get from hand-rolling. They proof a final time on-site, then go into the deck oven at 400°F and bake until golden — typically twelve to thirteen minutes, adjusted in real time by direct visual assessment, not by timer alone.

    Out of the oven, while still hot enough that absorption is at maximum, each stick is brushed with butter and finished with garlic salt.

    Soft interior. Crisp exterior. Four per dose. No refills, no exceptions, no apologies.

    • SPECIALTY INFUSION $2.50
      (1 glass bottle)
      Imported fruit sodas in real glass bottles, cane sugar, no substitutes.

    • OTC SODA $2.00

      (1 soda can)

      The standard prescriptions. Cold cans, familiar labels, no consultation required.

    • H2O $1.50

      (1 water bottle)

      Bottled water. Purely diagnostic — no sugar, no caffeine, no side effects. Recommended between courses.

ORDER ONLINE
  • A cheese pizza with a golden crust, sliced into eight pieces, on a wooden pizza peel against a black background.

    BASELINE

  • Pepperoni pizza on a wooden paddle against a black background.

    PULSE CHECK

  • Whole pepperoni pizza with sausage topping on a wooden pizza board.

    PROTEIN PROTOCOL

  • Pizza with pepperoni and pineapple slices on a wooden serving board against a black background.

    TROPICAL TRANSFUSION

  • Pizza with mushrooms, black olives, green bell peppers, and red onions on a wooden serving board.

    VEGETATIVE STATE

  • HEARTBURN

    HEARTBURN