A white heartbeat or electrocardiogram line on a black background.

ALL PIZZAS ARE HAND-STRETCHED THIN AND CLINICALLY TREATED WITH OUR VITALIZING HOUSEMADE RED SAUCE. AVAILABLE IN TWO DOSAGES: THE PERSONAL, SINGLE DOSE AND THE FAMILY, FULL COURSE. CLICK BELOW TO EXAMINE THE PRECISE, COMPREHENSIVE PROCEDURES EACH PIZZA UNDERGOES TO ACHIEVE HOMEOSTASIS AND MAXIMAL DOPAMINE-INDUCING FLAVOR.

OUR NEWEST MENU ITEMS ARE HERE! CHECK OUT "SECOND OPINION." TRAILER EXCLUSIVE FOR NOW.

SINGLE DOSE (8") $7
FULL COURSE (16”) $20
Our Baseline Cheese begins in our sterile preparation facility where certified dough technicians perform an initial 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in temperature-controlled isolation chambers (refrigerators). Once the gluten matrix has achieved optimal elasticity coefficients, the dough undergoes manual expansion therapy using proprietary hand-stretching techniques designed to preserve structural integrity while maximizing surface area.
The substrate is then treated with our Level 4 Biohazard Sauce — a tomato-based compound developed in collaboration with state of the art medical researchers. We apply a precisely measured layer of Grande mozzarella (molecular weight: delicious), ensuring even distribution across all quadrants.
The assembly then enters our electron-fired thermal acceleration chamber where temperatures reaching 675°F trigger the Maillard reaction cascade, resulting in optimal browning and flavor compound synthesis.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Recovery time: however long it takes you to devour it.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $8
FULL COURSE (16") $22
Pulse Check follows the same foundational protocol as our Baseline, with the addition of Advanced Pepperoni Placement Therapy (APPT).
Our certified meat application specialists distribute premium pepperoni discs across the cheese substrate using a technique known as "generous coverage."
Each pepperoni slice is strategically positioned to ensure maximum cupping potential during the thermal acceleration phase. As internal chamber temperatures exceed 675°F, the pepperoni undergoes what we call Controlled Cupping Phenomenon (CCP), where the edges crisp and curl upward, creating small flavor reservoirs filled with rendered oils and concentrated umami compounds. This is not a defect — this is advanced pizza science.
Available as an 8" Single Dose or an 18" Full Course. Both dosages ensure optimal CCP execution.
The result? A pie containing a micro-dose of pure satisfaction. Side effects may include increased heart rate, spontaneous drooling, and the immediate desire for another.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $10
FULL COURSE (16") $26
The Protein Protocol represents our most aggressive nutritional intervention and should only be administered to patients with serious carnivorous tendencies.
Following baseline preparation, we initiate Triple Meat Integration Therapy (TMIT):
- Phase 1 — Pepperoni Application: See Pulse Check procedure above
- Phase 2 — Canadian Bacon Deployment: Thin-sliced porcine protein strategically layered for savory depth
- Phase 3 — Italian Sausage Distribution: Fennel-enhanced ground meat applied in therapeutic doses
The combined protein load creates what's known in the medical community as "Meat Synergy" — a condition where three different proteins work together to produce flavor greater than the sum of their parts. This is peer-reviewed science. We checked.
Upon entering the electron-fired chamber, all three proteins undergo simultaneous Maillard reactions, releasing aromatic compounds that have been known to cause temporary euphoria in 87% of test subjects. The remaining 13% were vegetarians who shouldn't have been in the study anyway.
Available as an 8" Single Dose or an 18" Full Course, to accommodate varying protein density preferences.
Contraindications: None. Eat this pizza.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $8.50
FULL COURSE (16") $23
The Tropical Transfusion remains our most controversial procedure, with approximately 50% of the medical community claiming it violates the Hippocratic Oath. We respectfully disagree.
This procedure introduces Pineapple Integration Therapy (PIT) — the controlled application of tropical fruit to a traditional Italian substrate. Critics argue this creates an unstable sweet-savory matrix. Our research indicates they're just wrong.
Following standard preparation protocols, our technicians perform Strategic Pineapple Placement alongside Canadian Bacon Distribution, creating alternating zones of sweet and savory compounds across the cheese layer.
When subjected to high-heat thermal acceleration, the pineapple undergoes caramelization while the Canadian bacon crisps, resulting in what food scientists call "Flavor Contrast Achievement."
Clinical trials show that patients who claim to hate pineapple on pizza have a 78% conversion rate after one bite. The other 22% are either lying or have damaged taste receptors and should seek medical attention.
Available as an 8" Single Dose for the skeptic conducting a private trial, or an 18" Full Course for the fully converted.
This procedure is FDA-approved in our hearts.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $8.50
FULL COURSE (16") $23
The Vegetative State represents our plant-based intervention for patients seeking nutritionally tasty alternatives.
This procedure introduces Multi-Vegetable Integration Therapy (MVIT), featuring:
- Mushrooms (Agaricus bisporus): Applied in medically significant quantities
- Bell Peppers (Capsicum annuum): Julienned to specifications
- Onions (Allium cepa): Strategically distributed for aromatic enhancement
All vegetables undergo Pre-Treatment Preparation involving washing and cutting.
During thermal acceleration, vegetables release natural sugars that caramelize on the surface, creating depth of flavor previously thought impossible in plant matter. The result is a pizza that makes you forget you're eating vegetables, which is the entire point.
Available as an 8" Single Dose or an 18" Full Course, for varied vegetable delivery volumes.
Does it count as your daily vegetable serving? We're not nutritionists, but we're going to say yes.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $8.50
FULL COURSE (16") $23
The Heartburn is our controlled-inflammation protocol, indicated for patients who report that standard pepperoni is no longer producing a response. This procedure combines Capsaicin Delivery with full Pepperoni Saturation, featuring:
- Pepperoni (cured, sliced): Applied edge to edge at therapeutic density
- Jalapeños (Capsicum annuum var. annuum): Distributed across the entire treatment field
- Mozzarella: Administered underneath as a buffering agent
Jalapeños undergo Pre-Treatment Preparation involving washing and slicing to uniform cross-section, ensuring even capsaicin dispersal and eliminating unmedicated portions.
During thermal acceleration, the pepperoni renders and its fat binds to the capsaicin, moderating the burn while carrying it further across the palate. The pepper edges char and sweeten. The result is enough heat to register, not enough to end the meal — a controlled reaction rather than an adverse event.
Symptoms typically resolve within the hour. Water is available at the register.
Side effects may include ordering it again.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $9
FULL COURSE (16") $24
Herbal Remedy comes out of our holistic medicine wing, where we treat pizza with plants and refuse to apologize for it. Every patient starts on our 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in temperature-controlled isolation chambers (refrigerators), followed by manual expansion therapy to achieve full surface coverage.
The substrate is treated with Level 4 Biohazard Sauce and a measured layer of mozzarella, then loaded with a full-spectrum botanical panel: mushrooms, bell peppers, and red onion, distributed evenly across all quadrants.
After 6 minutes in our 675°F thermal acceleration chamber, the patient moves to post-op, where we apply fresh arugula (a peppery leafy compound that wilts on contact with heat), a drizzle of olive oil, and a squeeze of lemon for an ascorbic acid brightness boost.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Side effects include feeling virtuous while eating pizza.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $9.50
FULL COURSE (16") $25
Double Dose is what happens when the standard pepperoni prescription stops working. The dough completes our 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in isolation chambers (refrigerators) and undergoes manual expansion therapy before treatment begins.
This patient receives pepperoni by two routes of administration. The first dose goes in subcutaneously: laid on the Level 4 Biohazard Sauce, under the mozzarella, where it stays tender and infuses the cheese. The second dose is applied topically, on top of the cheese, where it curls into crispy, grease-filled cups under heat.
The assembly enters our 675°F thermal acceleration chamber. On discharge, it receives a drizzle of hot honey, a sweet capsaicin compound that binds to the pepperoni and elevates every bite.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Dosage exceeds recommended limits. We're not sorry.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $10
FULL COURSE (16") $26
Third-Degree Burn is the escalation protocol for patients who found our Heartburn too mild. It starts like every patient here: a 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in isolation chambers (refrigerators), then manual expansion therapy.
The substrate is treated with Level 4 Biohazard Sauce and mozzarella, then loaded with pepperoni, a double dose of jalapeños, and pepperoncini, a tangy compound that cuts through the heat just long enough for you to feel the next wave.
After 6 minutes in the 675°F thermal acceleration chamber, the patient is finished with hot honey, adding a second, sweeter burn on top of the first.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Patients should be transferred directly to the burn unit.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $10.50
FULL COURSE (16") $27
Island Fever is a tropical condition with no known cure, only temporary relief. It begins with a 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in isolation chambers (refrigerators) and manual expansion therapy.
The substrate receives Level 4 Biohazard Sauce and mozzarella, then an aggressive combination therapy: Canadian bacon, pineapple, jalapeños, and crumbled bacon. The sweet, the salty, and the spicy are introduced simultaneously to trigger maximum symptom onset.
After 6 minutes in the 675°F thermal acceleration chamber, the patient is finished with hot honey to push the fever over the edge.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Symptoms include sweating, cravings, and an irrational urge to book a flight.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $11.50
FULL COURSE (16") $29
Bypass is our most invasive procedure, and it requires informed consent. The dough completes our 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in isolation chambers (refrigerators), followed by manual expansion therapy to build a foundation strong enough for the load ahead.
The substrate is treated with Level 4 Biohazard Sauce and mozzarella, then grafted with four meats: pepperoni, Canadian bacon, Italian sausage, and crumbled bacon. Coverage extends to all quadrants. No vessel is left unoccupied.
After 6 minutes in the 675°F thermal acceleration chamber, the patient is finished with hot honey to tie the whole operation together.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Your cardiologist has been notified.
SINGLE DOSE (8") $7.50
FULL COURSE (16") $21
Classic Presentation is the textbook case every resident is required to memorize. It begins in our sterile preparation facility, where certified dough technicians run a 24-hour cold fermentation protocol in temperature-controlled isolation chambers (refrigerators). The dough then undergoes manual expansion therapy, stretched by hand to preserve structural integrity while maximizing surface area.
The substrate receives a conservative application of our Level 4 Biohazard Sauce, followed by hand-torn fresh mozzarella administered in evenly spaced doses. Fresh mozzarella is a high-moisture compound, so dosage is carefully controlled to prevent flooding of the patient.
The assembly enters our electron-fired thermal acceleration chamber at 675°F, where the Maillard reaction cascade produces optimal browning and leopard-spotting of the cheese. After the procedure, the attending physician applies fresh basil, a drizzle of olive oil, and a scatter of flaky salt as a topical finishing treatment.
Total procedure time: 6 minutes. Diagnosis: exactly what it looks like, and that's the point.

PRIMARY PIZZAS

ADDITIONAL ORDERS

SINGLE DOSE (8") Starting at $7

Veggie toppings $0.50 each.
Meat toppings $1.00 each.
FULL COURSE (18") Starting at $25

Veggie toppings $1.50 each.
Meat toppings $3.00 each.
TOPPINGS: Pepperoni, Italian Sausage, Canadian Bacon, Mushrooms, Bell Peppers, Onions, Black Olives, Jalapeños, Pineapple
Doctor's Orders represents our Personalized Medicine Approach to pizza therapy.
Rather than following standardized protocols, this procedure allows patients to self-diagnose and prescribe their own topping combination from our approved formulary:
Available Compounds:
- Pepperoni (see APPT above)
- Italian Sausage (fennel-enhanced)
- Canadian Bacon (savory porcine)
- Mushrooms (umami enhancement)
- Bell Peppers (vitamin C delivery)
- Onions (aromatic therapy)
- Jalapeños (controlled inflammation)
- Pineapple (controversial but effective)
- Black Olives (optional brininess)
Patients select any compounds and choose their dosage: an 8" Single Dose or an 18" Full Course. Our technicians then execute the Custom Integration Protocol (CIP), applying toppings according to your specifications.
$4 PER BATCH
Six hand-made breadsticks, splinted in butter and garlic salt. Diagnosis confirmed on first bite.
Garlic Splints are produced from a dedicated dough formulation — not a repurposed pizza substrate. Whole milk replaces water, butter and sugar are introduced at mix, and the resulting crumb is softer, richer, and structurally distinct from anything else on this menu.
The Procedure:
Phase 1: Overnight Cold Retard. The dough is mixed, portioned, and committed to a temperature-controlled isolation chamber overnight. Extended cold fermentation develops flavor compounds that a same-day rise cannot produce. Time is the active ingredient here and it cannot be shortened.
Phase 2: Sheet and Sectioning. The rested dough is pressed to uniform thickness and sectioned into six equal splints. Uniformity is not cosmetic — irregular cross-sections bake at irregular rates, and an order in which one stick is pale and another is scorched constitutes a failed procedure.
Phase 3: Partial Bake. The splints enter the deck oven and are held to a partial bake. They set, rise, and establish internal structure without taking full color. They exit half-finished, on purpose, and are held until ordered.
Phase 4: Finish Bake and Topical Application. On order, the splints return to the deck and are carried to full color. They emerge and are immediately brushed with melted butter and dressed with garlic salt while the surface is still hot enough to absorb it. Applied cold, the treatment sits on top. Applied hot, it penetrates. This distinction is the entire point.
Served immediately. Sharing is permitted but rarely observed.
Side effects may include ordering a second batch before the pizza arrives.
SPECIALTY INFUSION $2.50

(1 glass bottle)
Imported fruit sodas in real glass bottles, cane sugar, no substitutes.
OTC SODA $2.00

(1 soda can)
The standard prescriptions. Cold cans, familiar labels, no consultation required.
H2O $1.50

(1 water bottle)
Bottled water. Purely diagnostic — no sugar, no caffeine, no side effects. Recommended between courses.